Keine Ahnung

This is German for "no idea" and this is how I feel about my knowledge of why I am here.

I had my first meltdown on Friday. After spending 6 hours at the visa office on Thursday and then learning that there is almost no way for me to legally stay in Germany past 90 days, I broke down. Everything had been falling into place so perfectly and then suddenly it wasn't and I couldn't handle it.

I think most people would describe me as a "planner." With this trip I made a conscious effort not to over-plan as an experiment. I was very proud of myself until things didn't go my way and then I immediately wanted to give up and go home.

And then I felt strongly that I don't know where my home is, and this made me cry more. 

A sweet, good friend told me that this is what it is to be an adult. To realize you aren't sure where your home is anymore and then to make one. I think he could be right, but then why am I in Germany? I don't plan on making a home here.

A large part of this anxiety has subsided for the moment, but I thought it important to report it as faithfully as I will report my successes. 

Why am I here? When will I go home? Where will my home be? Keine Ahnung.

I hope it will be a good home and I hope it will be informed by my experiences in the next few months. 

- Candice

P.S. - My spirits are better now. I think I have a solution to the visa problem and I move into my apartment today!